If only I knew which lunch tray was hers...

Allie goes through stages where she'll buy lunch a lot, then she'll bring it for a while again.  This note was written during one of her buying stages where she had bought a lot in previous days:

Not trying to make her feel guilty for buying or anything, but she is missing out on the notes her sister is getting.  As the title says, if only I knew which lunch tray she'd be using...I could come to school and tape the note to the bottom or something!  That's not over the top is it?

"Gator" is not Allie's last name

Last names can be funny if paired with the right first name.  Unfortunately, most parents don't have the guts to be creative like this.  (And children appreciate it!)

That would be funny, but it would never be funny to the kid being made fun of relentlessly.  Except maybe for those who thrive on attention.

I always wanted to have twins and name them Pete and Repete.  Yeah, I think I have some lunch notes about twins somewhere...

Shamrock fever

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day...so in that spirit here's what my girls received in their lunches.

I forgot to ask them if it's still a practice in grade school to pinch someone if they're not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day.  I clearly remember that from my youth, but I don't think I ever got pinched.  By the way...pinching hurts!  That's why you'll never catch me saying - "Am I dreaming?  Somebody pinch me!".  I'll substitute other words for pinch though.  Like kiss, for example.  But only in certain company of course!

Don't ask me how I got off on that tangent!

Hope they use a net!

There are many situations where certain bodily functions just aren't appropriate.  Unfortunately, some of those functions are hard to control.

This is a case where having pepper around is a really bad idea!

Anatomy of a lunch note

I've said it before and I'll say it again - life is quirky.  Take the human body for example.

Why is the heart in your chest called a heart if it's not shaped like a heart?  

And why is the heart shape we're familiar with not shaped like an oblong organ with tubes sticking out of it?  I mean come on, obviously the human heart came before someone thought to write down the heart shape...

Maybe I'll write Ann & Nancy Wilson and get their opinion on this issue...

Food for thought

The English language is funny, and lots of short words are part of big words that are not related.  Which makes for good and silly questions to ask on lunch notes.

Well...I do sit on Saturdays a lot.  And I bet lots of people do get married on Wednesday...in Vegas!

And it always frustrates me when Sundays aren't full of SUN!

Bogeys & birdies & eagles, oh my!

This was another example of a note that I realized had sort of a double meaning after the fact.

Since 'club' is underlined I was emphasizing to my girls that it relates to a golf club.  But now I realize that plenty of golf balls do live in clubhouses on golf courses around the country...but my girls probably don't know that those places on golf courses and in country clubs are called 'clubhouses'.

I'm just too clever for my own good.

But how would they calculate 15% ?

My daughter put a quarter in her lunch box because she wanted to have it with her in the cafeteria as a reminder to buy the school paper during lunch.  She explained this to me and asked me to please leave it in there.  I told her I was disappointed because I assumed it was a tip!  That prompted this lunch note the next day:

Obviously not necessary, but funny to think about anyway.  I don't miss those college days as a waiter, but it was great always having cash on hand.  Even if it was lots and lots of ones!

Porky the lunch note

So clouds high in the air are not called fog, but clouds close to the ground are named as such.  I never think of being in fog as being in the middle of clouds, but they are essentially the same thing.  Fluffy white clouds in the sky must be quite a bit denser than fog though, because even in thick fog the area right around you always seems clear.  But in a plane passing through clouds the cotton seems to be right outside your window.

I'd hate to be a hog on a farm in thick fog.  Hard to see the twisters coming!    ;-)

Know your audience

There are some jokes that just seem to float around the collective consciousness and come out in various forms from time to time.  I can't take first claim to either of these jokes...though I did make them up as I wrote.  Simple jokes are like that!

And I do keep them simple because I know my audience well.  In this case, elementary school age girls.  They try to figure out the punchline on their own sometimes which is fun.  When my sons get old enough for lunch notes I'll have to start gearing them toward a more masculine audience which will be cool - if the boys are as receptive to notes as their sisters...

Wow.  I'll be writing lunch notes for a...long...time!

Counterfeit lunch notes

It occurred to me after I wrote this lunch note that it has a double meaning my girls probably won't get...

"Funny money", while being cute and rhymey in this note, is also a slang term for counterfeit money.  Fake dough.  Invalid currency.  Monopoly cash.  But my girls most likely have never heard that term, and maybe aren't even aware that counterfeit money even exists.  So is this man laughing because the money is funny in a jokester way, or is he laughing because he has a bunch of fake money he is about to use to try to buy things?

Since the first rule of lunch notes is no insinuations of criminal activity allowed, I think we know the answer to that question.

Or at least a 'warm'

Sometimes when I'm coming up with lunch notes it helps to think like a child would think.  (Believe me...that's easy for some of us!)

That's a perfectly logical train of thought describing a perfectly illogical name for an illness.  And I can totally see my 4 year old coming up with that, or my 10 year old jokingly asking the question.  I'm not automatically cold when I have a cold, and being out in the cold can't cause a cold on its own, so it just doesn't make sense.

Which is another reason I feel sorry for people trying to learn to speak English!

Do birds like veggies?

It's tough to get kids to eat veggies, so when you find one they like you need to make sure they eat a lot of it.  Carrots are one of my girls' favorite veggies, and we buy them in all shapes and sizes...baby carrots, carrot wedges, big long carrots with the stalks intact, etc.  Now that my girls are old enough to peel raw carrots on their own they have them for snacks a lot - mostly for the fun of peeling in my humble opinion!

I'm not sure if parrots eat carrots or not, but if they do then I wonder if they would also eat them cooked...since my girls sure won't!  But some would argue that raw is healthier anyway, so it works for us.

Also, if you want to make my bro & sis-in-law happy and help some parrots in need go here:

http://www.the-oasis.org/donatenow.php

(But please don't send any carrots!)

A strange combination

I don't want you to jump to conclusions here, but this udderly hilarious lunch note was full of no bull...

The kangamoo is the only animal that is a native of Australia and the South West United States.  It is unique because it has not only the familiar kangaroo-like pouch, but also cow-like udders hidden within the pouch.  This is great for the kangamoo's young ones (called joeycalfs) who spend their days in the pouch having milk squirting wars and milk squirting distance contests.

Hey...that would make a great name for a band.  Captain Kangamoo!

A fast little singer

Celebrity names can always be fodder for jokes.  Since jokes are great for lunch notes matching the two is fun.

Taylor is a very talented singer and songwriter, someone whose music is very accessible to adults and teens/tweens alike.  We first saw her several years ago as a 16 or 17 year old opening for Tim & Faith on their SoulIISoul 2 tour.  We didn't know much about her, but her performance won us over.  We took our girls to see her in concert a couple years ago and made it a surprise - we didn't tell them where we were going on the way so they were very happy.

I like my notes to be truthful though, so can someone please find out if Taylor really is quick or not?

It's lunch time sports fans!

I coach soccer for one or both of my girls' teams each spring and fall, and this spring their ages land correctly again so that they'll both be able to play on my team.  Soccer sign ups are happening now, which reminded me of this note:

It is always fun, whether doing it at a formal practice or with your siblings in the backyard.  But the backyard does have it's hazards...our dog has taken to digging craters out there lately which could lead to some twisted ankles.  Not to mention the the brown squishy mines she leaves everyday...extra poop patrol duty is definitely necessary for playing soccer out back.  We don't enjoy cleaning that stuff out of our carpets!

President Daddy

Today is President's Day.  So this lunch note is very appropriate:

Yeah, I think life would be full of drama if that were the case.  Limo rides to school, secret service following you around, sleep overs at the White House, having a First Daughter title...  Things would be very different, and a bit more stressful, but hopefully fun.  At least there's a pretty cool playground on the White House grounds now!

Bunny bank?

The whole concept of a piggy bank is pretty strange - why did the pig become the ideal form for a place for children to store their money?  I always think of an image of a piggy bank being smashed on the ground or broken with a hammer to get to the money.  Does that ever really happen?  Every piggy bank I've ever seen has a hole on the bottom with a little rubber stopper so you can access the money.  But I guess if you're really trying to save money then the break-only method is a good deterrent and keeps your money safe for longer periods of time.

But really, wouldn't a bunny shaped piggy bank be called a bunny bank?

Lunch note food groups

This was a day when their lunches were full of grapes.  Grapes rock.  They taste best cold, but don't necessarily need to be refrigerated, so they keep well in lunches without a cold pack.  Plus when you're sitting at the lunch table you can squirt your friends with grape juice if you bite down just right!

Now if only my daughters liked grape tomatoes...

Lean mean lunch note machine

We usually try to limit the junk in our kids' lunches - they often get at least a fruit or veggie or sometimes both.  This note must've been written on one of those days where there was more 'good' food than bad.

Don't know why I use the 'roses are red' thing so often in these notes.  I guess it just helps get the note started so my brain gets into the mode to come up with the rest.  I'll have to start using different colors though - roses can be any color you want these days!

Float like a butterfly...

What, you've never heard of space butterflies before?  I'm not surprised, since they're very shy and private creatures.  They're actually pretty fat and lazy too.  Strange, I know...an overweight butterfly?  Is that even possible?  Well, yes it is.

Think about it - when you see a butterfly here on Earth they have to work pretty hard to combat gravity.  Sure their bodies are light, but when they fly all they're doing is flapping flapping flapping.  There is no gliding or soaring or riding the wind like a bird.  If they don't flap then they plummet.

But a space butterfly has no gravity to contend with.  None at all!  So it's one flap and they're off to their destination.  That equals no calories burnt, and makes them very lazy and large.  Even the ones who live near the moon (to take advantage of the spacious cocoons of course) have much less gravity to deal with, so 4 or 5 moon flaps equals something like 40 or 50 Earth flaps.

But the fattest and laziest space butterflies of all are the ones that insist on using the moon rover left behind by Apollo 15 as their sole source of transportation!

A very subtle hint

Here's a lunch note that was fun...yet got a good point across!

It's not so much that I hate doing dishes, it's just that I'd rather be doing other things.  Plus, when the kids do certain chores they get a star on the chore chart.  Enough stars for the week equals a certain amount of allowance.  Let me tell you...when we first implemented this policy I didn't do dishes for weeks.  But now the kids seem less motivated to do dishes, even if their allowance suffers for it.  So it never hurts to send a reminder!

The keys to my lunch note success

Often when I get an idea for a note it snowballs into another one right away.  That's always a bonus...the next day's note is already written.  Usually when that happens it's based on a theme.

Obviously in this case the link was the word 'key'.  I thought about writing another one using monkey or hockey, but figured two was enough for this theme.

So what's a mule anyway?  It's a cross between a donkey and a horse.  I'm sure mules are generally not kept in cages...stables maybe, but not cages.  There must be a reason this particular mule was being held in a cage, and since it was trying to escape I'm sure it was in trouble.  Probably for being an ass!     ;-)